Birthday Celebrations: A radio transcript by Australia and New Zealand
by Darkfoot
Summary: This is a radio transcript by Australia and New Zealand and their take on the 4th of July, Australia day, Canada day and Waitangi day. Read on to hear about the paint bomb explosion, getting wildly drunk on the beach, pancakes and wet t-shirts being thrown at the Queen! Not meant to be offensive. Contains a lot of Australian/New Zealand slang. May not be accurate. ENJOY!


Birthday Celebrations: A radio transcript by Australia and New Zealand.

Normal: Australia.

_Italics: New Zealand._

**Bold: Germany.**

Underlined: England/Mum/Mummy Dearest. 3

* * *

"G'day everyone! My name is Australia, this here is my little mate, New Zealand, and we're here to tell you about England's four main colonies and their birthday celebrations!"

_"Yeap, like the Roo-Rooter said-"_

"Hey! You said you'd stop calling me that, Sheep-Shagger! Ow! Why'd you hit me?!"

"_Because you interrupted me. Now, like I was saying, we are here to educate you all in the fine art of colony birthday celebrations." _

"We're doing it in alphabetical order, so we're starting with the arsehole of the world, America!"

_"So, 4__th__ of July…The day America split from England and became his own country. It broke England's heart and apparently he still hasn't gotten over it. Poor pommie."_

"So, the main thing I see whenever I go over to his place for his birthday is red, white and blue. Everywhere. It's like someone detonated a paint bomb of those colours all over his flippin' house! And there are flags everywhere too! I once saw one in his bathroom!"

_"I knew I wasn't imagining that! And let's not forget about all the fireworks going off! It's enough to give any man a headache!"_

_"_I've never gotten a headache from it…"

_"Like I said, any MAN."_

"Hey! That was another insult!"

_"Yes, yes it was. Clever boy~"_

"Stop insulting me, ya' cheeky little shit!"

_"Anyway, back to the 4__th__ of July. Another thing that I see excessively on that day is parties. Parties in houses, parties in the streets, parties in pools, parties in the park, even parties in the freakin' ocean!"_

"Blimey, you try pulling that shit over at my house and you'll attract all the sharks in a ten K' radius!"

"_Ya' see, that right there is why so many tourists are scared of swimming at your place."_

"Oh, shut it."

_"Make me."_

"Oh, it's on Shorty."

_"I'm not short!"_

"Really now? Is that why you never put anything on the top shelf and have to call me over to get stuff down from the cupboard for you?"

_"SHUT UP!"_

"Make me."

**"Can you two just focus already?!"**

"Sorry, Germany."

"_We'll continue this later."_

"You can bet your arse we will."

**"Australia! New Zealand!"**

_"Right, back to the 4__th__ of July. What else is there?..."_

_"_Guns?"

_"Ah yes, America also seems to think that since it is a holiday, it means you can wave your gun around madly and shoot at anything that moves."_

"Come on, America does that anyway, holiday or no holiday. I mean, have ya' SEEN his gun laws?"

_"Ugh, don't even get me started. And then there's the neon coloured food. As if that can be healthy."_

"I'm always paranoid that his bloody birthday cake is radioactive or something…"

_"And apparently England can't even set foot in his land at all during that day or he'll be attacked by hordes of patriotic idiots. Poor Mum."_

"What is it with you and calling England 'Mum'? How did that even happen?"

_"Well, you know when he first took us in and gave us a list of rules we had to obey in his house?"_

"The one you ate?"

_"That's the one. Anyway, one of the rules on there was that we weren't allowed, under any circumstances, to call him Mother, Mum, Mumsy, Mummy or anything like that." _

_"_So you started calling that just to spite him?"

_"Yep. And the nickname stuck."_

"Huh. Maybe I should call him 'Mum'?"

_"No way! Get your own annoying nickname!"_

"Fine, fine."

_"Anyway, since we're getting death glares from Mum and America through the glass, I guess we'll move onto the next one."_

"Hell yeah! Australia Day!"

_"Yep, this idiot's birthday."_

"Oi! I'm not an idiot!"

_"Sure you're not, just keep on telling yourself that."_

"Shut up!"

_"Now, Australia Day is 'a fun-filled day spent on the beaches, chilling with your family and friends. It's a time where you can be yourself and show off your Australian pride through flags, fireworks and footy.' "_

"You really mean that?"

_"No, idiot. I'm just reading it off the card Germany is holding up."_

"…You're a fuckin' arsehole."

_"No, really? What was your first clue?"_

"I'm going to ignore you now."

_"Good luck with that, Roo-Rooter."_

"Stop calling me that!"

_"Ha! You responded! You're not ignoring me~"_

"I am ignoring you!"

_"Then why are you replying to me?"_

"I'm not! I'm talking to myself."

_"You're still responding to what I'm saying though~"_

"No, I'm not!"

_"You responded again~"_

"No, I didn't!"

"BOYS! Bloody hell, you two are worse than the Frog and I!"

"_Sorry, Mum."_

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"Would ya' prefer 'Mummy Dearest'?

** "Vill you guys get back on track already?!"**

"Alright, alright, don't get ya' knickers in a knot. Back to my birthday, it's one of the only days of the year when it's perfectly acceptable to have the Australian Flag painted on your face as you get wildly drunk on the beach."

_"I only really attend for the wildly drunk part. As much as I hate this guy, he makes some pretty good beer."_

"It's always funny watching you get smashed too, you start ranting about stuff you hate and try to crack on to Wales."

_"I do not try to flirt with Wales!"_

"Do too~ I've got it on video~"

_"Dammit! Stop filming me when I'm drunk!"_

"Never~"

_"Arg! One of these days I'm gonna break into your house and steal your video camera."_

"You do that, Kiwi Fruit."

"Boys!"

"Sorry."

"_Let's just move on."_

"But we haven't told them everything about my birthday!"

_"Who cares? Your birthday sucks anyway."_

"Does not!"

_"Does too!" _

"Well, it's a hell of a lot better than yours!

[Sounds of a scuffle]

"AUSTRALIA! NEW ZEALAND! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE!"

_"Great, now Mum's gonna yell at us. Thanks a lot, Australia."_

"What are you blaming me for!? You started it!"

_"Did not!"_

"Did so!"

"Bloody hell! Don't start that again!"

[A loud cracking noise is heard, followed by static for a few seconds.]

"For the love of… Can someone get Australia a new microphone? And a Band-Aid? And New Zealand, stop punching your brother, for heaven's sake!"

_"He deserved it."_

"I don't care if he deserved it! Stop hitting him or I'll put you in time out!"

_"I'M NOT A COLONY ANYMORE, MUM! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"_

"DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, YOUNG MAN!"

_"I CAN RAISE MY VOICE ALL I WANT! I'M MY OWN PERSON!"_

[Static]

-We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties. The programme will resume shortly. Thank you for your patience-

[Silence for about five minutes]

"(Ow my shoulder…)Okay, Australia here. So, NZ decided to spit the dummy and went and got himself kicked out of the recording booth, so while we wait for Wales to come and calm him down, I'm taking over… So, uh… Where were we again?"

**"Canada Day."**

"Right, right, Canada Day… Well, it's the first of July… And there are pancakes, I guess… And moose, maybe? Maple syrup? Beavers? Hell, I don't know what goes on in Canada! I mean, sure, he's my brother, but I don't pay all that much attention to what he does! He never even invites me to his party, anyway! New Zealand would probably know, he's on better terms with Canada then I am."

**"Just move on to zhe next one zhen."**

"I can't, not 'til Kiwi gets back!"

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's his birthday and he'll chuck another hissy fit if I get it wrong!"

"Well, you can't just do nothing until he comes back."

"I know! I'll tell jokes!"

_"_I swear, if you tell the convicts one…"

"Okay, so if we took all the convicts in society, put 'em on an island and left 'em there for 200 years, what do you think they'd say?"

"Bloody fu- I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL THAT ONE!"

"'G'day mate! How's it goin'?' Hahaha!"

**"I don't get it…"**

"Be glad you don't."

"Okay, I'll tell another one! What did one cactus say to the other? You're lookin' sharp today! Ha, I'm hilarious!"

"You know, I almost prefer the fighting to this…"

"Okay, one more, 'cause I can see Zea through the glass! What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper! Hahaha! Geddit? Woolly jumper? Ha!"

_"What are you doing?"_

"I was telling jokes while I waited for you to get back!"

_"Did you tell the convicts one?"_

"Yep! That was the first one I told."

_"Good boy."_

"I'm not a dog! Don't pet me!"

_"Alright, fine, who are we up to now?"_

"You."

_"Really? Mete."_

"Want me to start?"

_"Nah, I can do it. Well, Waitangi Day is my birthday, February 6__th__."_

"Wasn't it called 'New Zealand Day' for a while?"

_"Yeah, but Waitangi Day sounded better, apparently. Anyway, my birthday is a 'celebration' of the day the Pakeha and the Maori signed the Treaty of Waitangi, which supposedly gave us rights to our land and all that stuff. But the version they gave to the Maori was different to the Pakeha version, and since my people couldn't even read much English at the time, it made understanding the treaty a little difficult."_

"Don't give me that look, New Zealand, that treaty was perfectly accurate on both sides."

_Anyway, long story short, Mum was an arsehole and broke the treaty and now instead of celebrating my birthday, the majority of my people protest against it." _

"We still celebrate it at my place though, for all the kiwis that jumped the ditch."

_"Recent protests include: throwing mud at the PM, tackling the PM once or twice and throwing a wet T-shirt at the Queen."_

"You threw a wet T-shirt at the Queen?"

_"Never said I threw it."_

"You did throw it, didn't you, you little prat?"

_"Shut up England, this is my birthday, not yours!"_

"Anything else to add, Zea?"

_"Nah, I'm done. Ka kite ano."_

[A door slams]

"Righto then, I guess we're finished. Hope you lot enjoyed our radio transcript of the four main colonies and their birthday celebrations! Sorry for knowing fuck-all about yours, Canada! Have a good one!"

"Hold it right there, New Zealand! We need to talk about you throwing a wet T-shirt at the Queen!"

**END **

* * *

__**I know, its been ages... but this was meant to be uploaded ages ago except a ****_certain someone_****_didn't send my the edited version..._**_  
_**Anyway, I have a lot more almost finished stories and the next chapter of my unit fic is...coming along so keep an eye out for those!**

**Darky out~**

Translations:

Roo-Rooter- Short for 'Kangaroo rooter'. An insult for Australians, basically saying they fuck kangaroos. Mainly used by New Zealanders.

Sheep-Shagger- The New Zealand equivalent of Roo-Rooter. Mainly used by Australians.

Pommie- Slang for a British person.

'Cheeky little shit'- Basically means you're a smart-ass

'Ten K' radius' – Ten kilometre radius.

'Don't get ya' knickers in a knot' – Don't get all stressed out over nothing.

'Crack on to'- flirt with.

'Kiwi fruit' –Australian slang for a New Zealander

Band-aid- Plaster/ bandage/ the sticky thing you put on a cut.

'Spit the dummy'- throw a tantrum.

'Kiwi' –More Australian slang for a New Zealander.

Hissy fit- tantrum.

'Zea' –Short for New Zealand.

'Mete' –Te Reo Maori swear word. Basically the equivalent of fuck.

'Pakeha' – Te Reo Maori. Means 'White Man.'

'Jumped the ditch' – Moved from New Zealand to Australia and vice-versa.

'Ka Kite Ano' – Good bye in Te Reo Maori.

**(A quick summary of each birthday, courtesy of my fabulous beta.)**

**Independence Day, 4****th**** of July.**

Americans going nuts. (More than usual, we mean.)

Illegal fireworks.

Food being thrown everywhere.

Parties and drinking.

Punching Brits.

Eating obsessively and constantly. (Fatty, artery clogging burgers ravenously devoured for pretty much every single meal of the day, along with a wide variety of other greasy, sugary, salty, and generally toxic 'food' guaranteed to instantly induce heart disease (and several other fatal illnesses) with a single bite.)

Drug cocktails everywhere.

American flags all over the damn place.

Red, white & blue explosions.

Guns. Lots and lots of guns.

Hospital admissions skyrocket.

General American behaviour.

**Australia Day, January 26****th****.**

Beaches.

Barbeques.

Sunshine.

Australians being exceedingly cheerful.

Fireworks.

Get all excited for about it for almost a full week before, just for an excuse to celebrate longer.

Get really drunk.

Music and dancing.

Food.

Wave flags around. Acceptable to have flag painted on face. (Note: This includes the Aboriginal flag. There used to be a lot more protesting by some of the Aboriginal people, but things have died down a bit since the 2007 Kevin Rudd apology speech, and now most Aborigine Australians celebrate the day as well.)

Sunburns. (Only if you're dumb enough to forget sunscreen.)

Being loud.

Play sport. (Backyard/beach cricket and footy mainly.)

Swimming.

Parties everywhere.

**Canada day, July 1****st****.**

Pancakes.

Maple syrup.

Moose.

Who the fuck actually has half a clue about what goes on in Canada?

**Waitangi Day, February 6****th****.**

Depressing shit. L

Riots.

Mud throwing.

Protests.

Half of the Kiwis don't even know what day it is, only that it's somewhere in February.


End file.
